#i cant fucking draw cars i had to draw over a fucking reference because the first attempt looked like shit

[waxingrunes]

what are your thoughts on tracing ? because im fairly new to digital art and i’ve been trying to draw this truck forever now and i cant !! but i cant help but feel that if if i trace its cheating ?? but like also fuck that because art is art but some people can be really mean about it.

I’ll be really transparent with you here and you might not like my answer for that fact.

Firstly, as a beginner (I’ll circle back to this later in my answer) you do whatever you need to do in order to get comfortable with your style and learn. Trace the truck, trace whatever you need to and evolve and adapt as you go, I’m rooting for you newbie.

To answer on a greater scope, I’m very much of the mindset that this place is a stupid little ‘community’ for us to all enjoy no matter what you like or do or don’t do, or to what level. No piece of art created within this fandom space is up for exhibition in the Tate, none of it is up for marking or comparison, etc and should be created however you want to create it. Nothing here is that deep at the end of the day and every single one of us should be here to enjoy the same fictional characters no matter what.

All this being said I will be honest and say, I know for fact one or two artists here trace and make out it’s ‘100% their own’ and some of this stuff is so painfully obvious it’s traced, it makes me wildly confused when the hoards of ‘talent’ comments pour through. I hate this part of me that twists in annoyance because the other half up there ^ wants to throat punch me for it. What pains me about it, I think, is when people will claim one thing to be true when it’s not. They don’t have to make a big show out of it or how/where their materials are coming from, I’m not asking for a dedicated paragraph every time with cited sources and images, just be a bit more honest and transparent about where your shit’s coming from. If that’s AI, amazing, just don’t pass it off as your own. If that’s tracing, nothing wrong with that, just don’t churn out piece after agonising piece and say “I only use references” when it’s eye-wateringly clear that’s not the case. If I see it, I won’t be mean about it, just suffer in silence. And if the topic comes up amongst people I trust I’ll pass my opinion between those safe walls, as I don’t advocate for unwarranted, uninvited public criticism.

I don’t want to discourage anybody from learning to draw digitally through tracing because we all start somewhere. I’m pretty certain I had a sketchbook in the womb with me and have drawn humans/bodies/animals/basically living forms for a long time, but anything else like trees, buildings, furniture, scenery (this fucking car I’m trying to draw for the next piece) I suck at and absolutely despise doing. It bores me, but as a personal choice I won’t turn to tracing because I want my art to be consistent (-ly shit) over suddenly perfect. I don’t think I’m superior for making that choice and am not saying you suck for wanting to trace because honestly, I am constantly oscillating between ‘it ain’t that serious’ and ‘I just wish people would be more honest’.

I’m still going bet you regret fucking asking! Basically I’ll never be a dick about it if I see it or someone tells me, ‘hey I trace!’ Because good for you, give us the good shit, give us the characters and pairings we want in that form and I’ll eat it up just like the rest of us because we’re starved. But yeah, food for future thought maybe.

[wazzappp]

Oh my god OH MY G O D

\He had to stand on a bucket to reach its fusebox\

OH BUDDY. OH BUD YOURE GONNA MISS THOSE LEGS IN A MINUITE LMFAO

\Robbie glanced down into the fuse box one more time and noticed the pink of his unnatural fingernails glittering through the black polish he’d touched up just two days ago, a strange holographic effect that made his head hurt. He grabbed Eli, his glossy scales smooth and dry and currently warm from the engine block\

SPORKLE MAGIC. SPORKLE MAGIC FOR REAL. oh my god Eli getting himself warm on the engine block oh my god how very snake of him it could be cute if he wasnt such a terrible person.

\A hesitant nudge, and then a flood. Robbie held two roles at once, the source and the vessel, draining and filling himself at the same time,\

once again you continue to take the idea i just sort of threw out there AND MAKE IT EXISTENTIAL AND UP THE HORROR LETS GO LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOO

\body condensed and sense returned and he predictably crashed to his face on the cracked pavement behind Canelo’s.\

JAKLDSJFKL:EWFDSKLF FALLING ON HIS FACE IS A REGULAR THING FOR HIM BECAUSE OF COURSE IT IS WONDERFUL WONDERFUL

oh my FUCKING LORD all of Robbie realizing that its not Eli trying to swallow him whole its HIM its PART OF HIM AAAAAAAA. TRANSFORMATION P A N I C its so beautiful it gives me the chest maggot feeling OH WAIT YES SHIT ITS CALLED BUTTERFLIES I FORGOT YEAH YEAH IT MAKES ME SO INCREDIBLY HAPPY AAAAAAAAAA ohhhhhh hes so good at delaying the freakout you cant have a panic attack in the backalley of your employers machine shop there have to be limits oh my god HES BLEEDING PINK GLITTER GLUE AAAAAA!!!! AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

\i gotta get sober\

I completely agree bro but that ain't gonna help in this particular circumstance

\He figured he had one good jump in him; he pictured his bedroom as hard as he could, shut his eyes against the horrible nothingness, and concentrated: get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here...until he unmade himself with a Pop!\

HIM HATING TELEPORTING!! YOU REMEMBERED <3!!!!!!!!!!!! yes yessssssssss using 'Unmaking' to describe it thats so fucking accurate yessssssSSSSSSSSS. AND HES GOOD AT IT CAUSE HES FUESED WITH ELI SO HE CAN DRAW ON AS MUCH MAGIC AS HE NEEDS OHHHHH THATS GOOD THATS SO GOOD!!!!

\part of his belly draped over the bed and the rest curved about itself on the floor, scales rubbing against smooth scales. He couldn’t even keep track of himself. As he tried to straighten his snake body to push his human torso toward the door to lock it, some part of his massive body moved, but only to rattle the dresser against the wall.\

YESSSSSSSSSS. YOU MUST RELEARN HOW TO MOVEEEEEE YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!! Ohhhhh my god not being able to tell what part of him is touching what that would be so incredibly overwhelming how DELICOUS. Punching the floor when the usual problem solving method doesent work. he just like me for real for real

HAMMERSPACE!!!! FUCK YEAH HAMMERSPACE refering to his usual self as 'mundane' ohhhhh thats so good holy shit holy SHIT

\“Mierda,” Lee breathed, horrified. “You...you think you gonna pull through?”

“I’m not dying,” Robbie said.

“Okay, guey. You, uh...you rest up now. We’ll keep an eye on your car.”\

Ohhhh my god I can only imagine the sheer chaos at Canelos rn. Lenny just runs in screaming 'ROBBIE TURNED INTO A PINK SNAKE PERSON AND STABBED HIMSELF IN THE TAIL' and honestly nobody knows what to do with that. Hes probably just high as fuck and something is actually wrong but his brain is whacked and thats why they let Robbie go no problem ohhghdksla;fkdlsaas i cant imagine Canelo would like the new workplace gossip at ALL.

Him saying Mr. Castle. Oh my god hes such a polite little nope rope.

\With his eyes shut, there was nothing to distract himself from the press of battered hardwood floor and dirty laundry and walls and furniture against his endless, naked lower torso. He scrunched and tugged and slid and dragged and folded his body until he managed to fit his snake body into the bare space between his bed and his dresser, coils stacking on top of each-other and engulfing his relatively small human self in strangely soothing pressure and darkness.\

WHAT IF I STARTED SCREECHING HUH. WHAT ABOUT THAT. Ohhhhhhhh my god subconsciously giving himself a space where he can freak out. He feels too big and feeling too much so he's giving himself somewhere small so he can feel safe HES MAKING HIMSELF SMALL SO HE CAN HIDE AND FEEL SAFE OH MY FUCKING G O D. Hooghdsk. im AAAAGHHHHH.

\“Mnh,” Mr. Castle grunted, then yawned loudly. “You’re lucky you caught me before the sun hit my recliner.” That was an uncharacteristic overshare. “The whole point of using Signal is to include all relevant details in your messages.”\

Cat-stle gives no fucks jskal;dsa oh yeah kitty cat mode activated there is no stopping the combined power of the dad nap and the cat nap.

HIS WHOLE CONVERSATION WITH FRANK. THE SSSSSSSSS PROCEEDING S WORDS. AAAAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA

\Robbie pressed at one of his coils with his hand; he couldn’t even tell where the pressure was coming from, just that his hand felt very small.\

I will never be tired of him freaking out about how very little human body there is left of him. ohhhfdhhhhhh thats that good shit thats good goOD SHIT

MAGICAL GIRL MONTHLIES. AAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

\Robbie hadn’t even noticed he had a forked tongue; he stuck it out and crossed his eyes as it just kept coming, vibrant red-purple and as long as his hand. “Augh!” He pulled it back in and was walloped by the taste of dust and motor oil and the residual masculine funk that persisted despite his magicalgirlitis. “No,” he said, suddenly hyperaware of the bizarre movements his tongue was making to compensate for its new shape. “It’sss. It’s. My. Uh.” He raised his phone overhead and sent a selfie.\

AAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHHAHA!!! ohhh wait ohhhhh my god what if when he fanagles some way to get Gabe home (maybe he could contact lisa?? If she already knows then she might be able to help. i cant imagine he would want her to see him all snakey though) he already knows hes outside not cause of the sound of a car pulling up or the front door opening but by BEING ABLE TO SMELL HIM OUTSIDE CAUSE OF HIS TONGUE AAAA THAT WOULD BE SO DISORIENTING NEW SENSORIUM CAN WE CHEER FOR NEW SENSORIUM????. Also in love with how he started overthinking his new tongue, said the sssss too long. and IMMIDIATLY started the sentence over to fix his mistake. Thats soooOOOOO GOOD AAAHHGDKSL

Im drawing that selfie. Not the power of god or his armies of angles could stop me. im fucking AAAAAAAAAAA

ANGR Magical Girl AU: MenSynarche

In reference to this post which is both required reading and also has awesome hilarious art.

Robbie gets his first monthly snaketime. Frank Castle explains.

“Ssomething’s happening,” Eli announced from where he’d nestled his pink serpentine coils atop the engine block of a 2001 Escalade. Robbie grunted. He had to stand on a bucket to reach its fusebox comfortably, and the stupid luxury SUV had every fuse filled. He squinted at the wiring diagram on his phone and tilted it sideways, hoping it would make more sense. The phone auto-compensated and straightened the diagram for him, so he had to tilt his head instead. “Now problem or later problem?” he murmured. Normal people couldn’t see Eli, so Robbie often brought him to work as incentive to be less of an asshole. He was okay to talk to on his good days, and knew a lot more about cars than he did about rodents. Which was odd for a snake, and which Eli had never satisfactorily explained.

“Not a problem per se,” Eli mused. “But it’s definitely now. Take a bathroom break unless you want an awkward convo with the boss.”

“You wanna explain?” Robbie tried, and Eli deflected, “That’d take all day.” Yeah, sure.

Robbie glanced down into the fuse box one more time and noticed the pink of his unnatural fingernails glittering through the black polish he’d touched up just two days ago, a strange holographic effect that made his head hurt. He grabbed Eli, his glossy scales smooth and dry and currently warm from the engine block, and headed for the time clock to punch out for a break. Canelo was surprisingly easy-going about his breaks—probably out of consideration for his family responsibilities—but Robbie couldn’t know when his patience would run out. Then he ducked out the back door into the garbage alley and almost tripped over Lenny, seated on the ground with a lighter and some bits of trash and staring furtively up at him and honestly Robbie didn’t want to know. Lenny scrambled to his knees to gather up his paraphernalia and Eli went suddenly limp in Robbie’s hand and the warm bright fuzz of their magic erupted from the stone in his chest and no, not here, I didn’t even say the words what the fuck, the world went soft and distant as his body unraveled.

He waited, just a glittering nebula of himself, for his uniform to give him solidity. The transformation was like his own personal time dilation field; sure it was hard to think, but it didn’t last nearly as long in the real world as it felt like to him. He just had to wait until the magic decided it was ready to re-make him, dress him back up like a paper doll—come on, did it always take this long? He could almost see the pink stone in his mind’s eye this time, an empty channel for power to flow through, but nothing was happening. Why could he see it? Should he push?

A hesitant nudge, and then a flood. Robbie held two roles at once, the source and the vessel, draining and filling himself at the same time, and then with relief he felt the leotard and the skirt and the bows popping into place on his chest and shoulders, the tiara coming to rest on his forehead, and his body condensed and sense returned and he predictably crashed to his face on the cracked pavement behind Canelo’s. He started to push himself up, cursing his stupid gogo boots, but couldn’t get his knees under him. He was pressing up on his hands, but he still felt grit digging into his whole chest and belly. He tried to roll over, but he felt trapped, heavy, and as he twisted sideways to look at how he had fallen, he kept twisting and twisting and—

Eli was massive. His glossy pink body filled the alley, great swoops and coils as thick around as Robbie’s waist. Shit. Eli was normally harmless, but he clearly didn’t like it. Eli at this size would not be so harmless, magical healing venom or not. “Eli,” Robbie said cautiously, searching for his head. He spotted his tail by the dumpster, and unless he’d folded completely in half, his head should be closer to Robbie and he was actually swallowing Robbie Jesus fuck. Robbie summoned his pick-hammers and swung at the pink reptile skin that had overtaken his legs, stupid, that’s what you get for trusting him, and then stabbing pain high in his chest, teeth, must be, so Robbie wriggled desperately from side to side looking for the monster’s eyes—where were his eyes? The lashing pink coils that had swallowed up his legs ended blindly under his flared miniskirt. The wounds in the snake’s body that bled glimmering fuschia ichor stung as his hands passed over them. Eli had nothing to say, because Eli didn’t have a head. Just Robbie, sticking out of his neck like a hood ornament.

“I gotta get sober,” Lenny croaked from the doorway.

Robbie had to undo this, and he had to get out of here. He figured he had one good jump in him; he pictured his bedroom as hard as he could, shut his eyes against the horrible nothingness, and concentrated: get me out of here, get me out of here, get me out of here...until he unmade himself with a Pop!

Transforming was bad, but at least Robbie could see the logic as to how all the bits of himself stayed roughly in place: conservation of momentum. Jumping was like starting a transformation, pausing, and then being blown to his destination by a great wind. It was chaotic and error-prone and he hated it. This time, though, he could see the wind, a swirling vortex that picked up the glittery mist that was Robbie and carried him—mostly—across twenty blocks to his apartment. He could also see pink glitter that escaped the vortex, bits of his magical essence drifting over the tight clusters of homes built in multigenerational backyards, the alleys, the tiendas, the neglected streets that made up Hillrock Heights. He’d had worse jumps that left him shaking and exhausted; this one felt normal. He wondered how much of himself he’d bled all over the city on magical errands.

The magic reconstructed him in his bedroom, pink anaconda body and all. Robbie felt his ribs pressing against every wall, part of his belly draped over the bed and the rest curved about itself on the floor, scales rubbing against smooth scales. He couldn’t even keep track of himself. As he tried to straighten his snake body to push his human torso toward the door to lock it, some part of his massive body moved, but only to rattle the dresser against the wall. This would certainly put a damper on ghost-fighting.

Robbie facepalmed and spoke the words to return to his mundane form, then punched the floor when nothing happened.

At least he still had hammerspace. He reached up for an imaginary shelf over his head and retrieved his cell phone, which he’d left in his mundane pants, and called Canelo’s. Lee picked up after about ten rings, and Robbie explained that he had to take a personal sick day.

“Mierda,” Lee breathed, horrified. “You...you think you gonna pull through?”

“I’m not dying,” Robbie said.

“Okay, guey. You, uh...you rest up now. We’ll keep an eye on your car.”

“Appreciate it.” Robbie let him go, then tried and failed again to roll over onto his back. He collapsed face down onto the floor, then propped himself up on his elbows and messaged Frank Castle.

Mr. Castle was...scary, and he had little patience for Robbie’s safety concerns. Johnny was supportive, and Danny was talented, but neither of them had the advanced Magical Girl know-how that Robbie needed right now, and right now Robbie needed legs so he could pick up Gabe from middle school, cook dinner, and make it back in to work tomorrow. He stared anxiously at his phone, texted three more times, and then tossed his phone back up onto its imaginary shelf and buried his head under his arms to hyperventilate.

With his eyes shut, there was nothing to distract himself from the press of battered hardwood floor and dirty laundry and walls and furniture against his endless, naked lower torso. He scrunched and tugged and slid and dragged and folded his body until he managed to fit his snake body into the bare space between his bed and his dresser, coils stacking on top of each-other and engulfing his relatively small human self in strangely soothing pressure and darkness.

He sensed his phone ringing from hammerspace and struggled to unspool enough to free his head and one arm to retrieve it. Frank. Okay. He cleared his throat and accepted the call. “Thanks for getting back to me, Mr. Castle.”

“Mnh,” Mr. Castle grunted, then yawned loudly. “You’re lucky you caught me before the sun hit my recliner.” That was an uncharacteristic overshare. “The whole point of using Signal is to include all relevant details in your messages.”

“Okay, sir,” Robbie said, though he was not in the mood for a lecture on instant messaging etiquette from a Vietnam veteran.

“But I can guess your Familiar is missing and there’s snakey bits where some of your human bits used to be.”

“Yess!” Robbie gasped as his coils reflexively squeezed the air out of his human lungs, which was a lot less uncomfortable than it probably should be. He relaxed and took a breath. “I don’t know what I did wrong. I wasn’t even trying to transform. How do I fix it?”

“Punisher log,” Mr. Castle muttered. “New mission: half-kill Johnny Blaze for not explaining shit to the newbie. ...It’s your synarche, kid. You’re a grown Magical Girl now.” Mr. Castle proceeded to explain that on every new moon, a mature Magical Girl would temporarily merge with their Familiar from moonrise to moonset, for unavoidable and annoying magical-biological maintenance purposes. Nothing was wrong, so there was nothing to fix.

“Fuck.” Robbie pressed at one of his coils with his hand; he couldn’t even tell where the pressure was coming from, just that his hand felt very small. “I’d rather turn into an actual girl than deal with this shit.”

“And I’d rather be talking my actual daughter through her first period, but here we are,” Mr. Castle growled.

“Ssorry, sir.”

“Shit happens. You gotta deal. You’re a Magical Girl, you get Magical Monthlies. The upside is, in this state, you get to peek behind the curtain at processes that your familiar normally handles for you. It’s a good time to refine your skills. Like teleporting.”

Robbie winced.

“Or, if you’re still not ready to practice that extremely useful and potentially life-saving ability, go do some crimefighting.”

“I don’t think I can do that right now.”

“What, embarrassed of the forked tongue?”

Robbie hadn’t even noticed he had a forked tongue; he stuck it out and crossed his eyes as it just kept coming, vibrant red-purple and as long as his hand. “Augh!” He pulled it back in and was walloped by the taste of dust and motor oil and the residual masculine funk that persisted despite his magicalgirlitis. “No,” he said, suddenly hyperaware of the bizarre movements his tongue was making to compensate for its new shape. “It’sss. It’s. My. Uh.” He raised his phone overhead and sent a selfie.

“Huh,” Mr. Castle said after a minute. “That’s a new one.” Robbie waited miserably as though he might change his mind and divulge a secret advanced Magical Girl technique to cut short this stupid syn-whatever, but all he had for him was, “Well, you got about twelve hours to kill. If you do nothing else, meditate.”

Great. Robbie sank back into the dark of his own coils and screamed in frustration.

[entitieszero]

Its Britney Bitch

Reposted from my Twitter

[crimsonandcloverwrites]

ok bhah ch11 my longest yeah boi ever

i’m literally... so excited I can’t even read it ok ok

oh no not the wedding invitations not this

i swear to god if we have to go through this wedding. knifeemoji

listen I have a fear that we’re gonna get the break up and the car accident same as canon dear god don’t put us through that either

no fears *literally everything that could make bhah more painful* several fears dot meme

god not the jamie invite. she cant even do it. another sign from god you are choosing to ignore

straight to Jamie’s house oh

lmao the red door I just worked out that’s a hill house reference from when I was wondering in like ch3(?) lol the inner workings of my dumbass brain never stop

“can we talk?” it’s happening what is happening

Dani was so tired of lying oh my god

my heart is literally beating so fast

alone in Jamie’s room bro wtf wtf

Jamie is just so soft and understanding always always aaaahhhhh

fuck she just wants out of this wedding so bad but she can’t even tell him

AAAHHH SHE KISSED HER OH MY GOD IT’S HAPPENING

fuck fgkjhdfkjgh this is not good oh no. Dani finally finally fucking doing something for herself and Jamie so aware that this cannot be happening like this right now

and yet both of them just falling into it anyway oh my goddddd

jesus christ jesus christ “Dani had half crawled into Jamie’s lap, kissing her with a fierce and fervent heat” I am on deaths door

god they’ve both wanted this for so so so so long I can’t believeeeeee

(i am so thrilled that y’all just went there right away btw)

“Please, just - I just want to feel how I’m supposed to.” oucchhhh Dani

god her just... knowing. after one kiss w Jamie that she can finally do it and talk to him and end it and it’s so terrifying but goddd yes

“You think I can ever say no to you?” oof

“Ask,” Jamie breathed. “Ask me.” fucking fuck the power of this line oh my god Jamie is so fucking ready to jump of a bridge for her it’s- the dedication the love the longing the everything I am going insane is it too early to start drinking at 1pm

you’re not you can’t NOT THE CANON DINER SCENE

fuck this is like watching a car crash i can’t look away it’s so fucking visceral and nerve-wracking and painful

but god I’m so proud of her for finally saying what she wants

oh thank fuck y’all didn’t take him out with a passing delivery truck

“You must have known. You know me.” oh god this sentiment always kills me

“She couldn’t say it — the words ‘I’m gay’ forever out of reach — so instead she said, “I can’t.”” my whole body is on fire oh my god this is.... too fucking real

jesus christ the near miss w the truck are u trying to kill me (i actually kind of love that Dani will have to deal w her feelings w him face to face instead of having to bury it all in grief like in canon I am so excited to see how y’all handle that)

a fucking HOUR in the car dfkjghdfkjh the torture

oh honey. literally both of them suffering so much ouch

her favourite saucepan pls this is all so awful and sad but that make me laugh so much the poor confused little duck I am glad she has her comforts

god poor Dani

"Is she here to cook something?"  fgkjdhfkgjhfkjgdf

“No. I think you’re brave.” oh

“We’ll figure it out." listen listen I am undoubtedly losing my mind god this is soft

“She had spent so long being asked and not asking. Never asking. She never dared. To ask was to be known, to be made visible, words forging reality as surely as a smith’s hammer. And yet Jamie waited, letting Dani gather the courage herself.

"Can I -?" Dani said, "- stay?"” please fuck I am just so !!!!!!!! about Dani getting to know what she wants and having a fucking voice. just !!!!!!!!

“Jamie inviting her in” fucking just both of them finally getting some of that quiet courage w each other I am yelling so much

“Dani knew that it wasn't just her feeling this, that it had never just been her.” YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT BABEY

““But you do?” Dani asked. “Want to?”

Jamie’s answering laugh was brief and incredulous. “You have no idea.”” I AM: HOOTIN. AND: HOLLERIN

“I am here” hello? hello I am not coping I am on another plane of existence. DANI FINALLY FEELING SO PRESENT AND WHOLE IN THIS MOMENT

god they’re just holding each other i’m tearing up. Jamie is her home

Dani finally sleeping through the night ow my fucking heart

Mikey’s so chill about all of this sdkdhfdkj I love him

Jamie going out n buying her favourite jam... god the tenderness. love is stored in the strawberry jam and the hairdryer

hmmmmm her attraction to Jamie is so closely tied to a lot of really hard feelings this is gonna take a bit to work through huh???

aw Jamie going to Carson I am so happy she has her little band of gays to help her rn

I love that she can just kiss her now when she gets the urge like maybe chill out a lil just landing all these surprise kisses but like good for u girl. good for both of u

the warmth of the house hmmmmm I love that she’s found this esp because she is perpetually cold and Jamie is always warm but keeps it like that for the kid (and probably for Dani too) aaahhhh

cgjkdfhkjgh Dani is so thirsty poor Jamie trying to keep them in check. these moments are so fucking loaded holy shit

Dani Jamie and Mikey are the cuuutest lil family aw

god the tentativeness between them trying to figure this all out and the casual intimacy and just. all of it is so much and so beautiful to watch unfold

i love this little bubble inside Jamie’s house and Jamie kind of drawing the curtains around them both physically and metaphorically while she lets Dani figure things out and lets it settle between them

it’s all about the hands

oh my god Hannah instantly asking if she needs a place to stay she really is the best

soft little mornings with her Jamie like... once Dani finally defeats the ball of guilt in her chest there is so much goodness to look forward to and I am v glad she has that right now even as she is still struggling a bit. my girl needs all the sweetness in her life

also the idea of Jamie getting to wake up to sleeping Dani in her bed every morning after a lifetime of trying to repress her feelings... god

heh she’s already figuring out all the ways to push Jamie’s buttons god these two are going to have some fun w each other

this idea of learning the creaking floorboards of a new home is so... warm

Jamie leaving all the curtains drawn for her oh my heart keeping her safe keeping her safe

Nan would be so proud of ms Dani u know it’s true

awww Mikey comin home to keep her company

Mikey Dani time is always so sweet I love them

my god Dani n Jamie are so intense w each other and just so full of fucking desire... when those floodgates finally open will they even survive

oof Dani is dealing with soooo much ugh. Jamie always there with a gentle way to bring her back down to earth tho my hearrrtttt

“You’re allowed to be happy.” she is SHE IS ty Jamie Taylor voice of reason

a pinky promise to deal with everything together awwww

“why are you so good to me” “you know why” oh my goddddddd. that’s so soft that’s so gentle that’s so much love

Dani finding little bits in herself in media god i love this

Dani Mikey hours best hours

god Carson... sweet boy. And Judy sending over a whole bunch of food oof just. these quiet little reminders of their love for her. Dani’s about to go through a whole bunch more emotions huh?

fkjdfkjgfh Mikey going into protector mode when Carson is there pls i love hm

ohmy “our room” aaaaaaahhhhh

god Dani expecting him to be upset with her I am so fucking emotional. I relate far too much to Dani in canon and in this story and it’s just. painful as hell to see someone go through the things you know hurt the most holy shit

please Carson is so sweet and understanding and telling her he’s proud of her is making me cry so much I can barely see

this whole like.. uncomfortable but relief-filled kind of coming out between her and Carson is so so beautifully done I can’t stop fucking crying

“God, you two were agony to watch.”  fglkdfgkjdfhkjgh Carson a voice of the people

“You deserve to be happy.” - Carson and also me and also everyone reading this

god he is so wonderful!!!!!! this reminder that she’s not alone and everything will be ok!!!!!!! Carson I love you so much

the box being described as “the beating heart of their childhood“ god the imagery

Jamie so sweetly making room for her and welcoming her into a home I am emotional again the tears have really been unlocked now I’m gonna be a mess the whole rest of this chapter (i say as if I haven’t been already)

the really sweet way Jamie gets her to open up and trust her with the things that have been on her mind

and Dani doing the same for her god this gentle honest space between them makes my heart feel so full I am just so happy that they’ve got each other

“I want you to stay.” please (also now I’m thinking about AE putting Stay on her Jamie playlist jesus christ I am being tortured)

they get... to wake up.... in bed together. i’m so close to crying again when will this stop

i kind of love there hasn’t really been any like... just no more kissing u know but we still get this insane intimacy between them in a way that’s not them shying away from the way they want each other but so carefuly and sweetly and honestly coming towards each other

awww them always waking up all tangled is so cuuute (also Dani feeling so safe and comfy with her that her subconscious is like lets latch on she is good she is home)

lmao Dani having to mediate between these two dweebs and their playfights is so good

Jamie having her lil family surrounding her aww

(also i just noticed the rating change oh god)

sfkjfhdg Jamie looking at her hips all dark eyes and wanting we’ve all been there girl

“you can look” BOLD DANI MY BELOVED

god these two........ the grabbing her silver chain god @ google how to breathe properly??????

“Then show me.” oh my god

fkgjhdfkj so much electricity they shorted out the power

“this is just as nice” when they’re just hugging please they are so soft

i love that there’s just like... gentle soft banter between them in these quiet moments so much

“Dani, give him more homework.”  ghrfjkhjgkjgh

god the heated cheek kiss

this ‘game of chicken’ god they’re just.... really in it huh this is so fun

hmmm Dani going through the suitcases and sort of being able to bring some of herself/her past into this new place is so nice

heh this lil family and their snowfights are so cute

:( she can’t bring herself to eat Judy’s food

Jamie bringing her flowers oh soft

ugh they’re just so softly melting into being together it’s so sweeeeeeeet

“You’re lovely.” and the way Jamie just sinks into her with Dani’s fingers in her hair pleeease I am dying this is so warm

aaaahhhh they’re dancing soft soft soft

“gray eyes fluttered closed, as though the weight of Dani’s touch was too much to bear” god i am..... aaaahhhh

“a gentle calm settling within her. It had seemed that for all her life she had waited for the quiet of this” y’all this is so beautiful and lovely and wonderful and all the good things

ah that kiss. kinda feels like their first real kiss where they just get to be god I am so happy “a profound sense of finally” oh oh oh that’s such a pretty concept

god I love how much they just want each other that second kiss and them just all over each other is perfect and having to try and reel that in and being able to because they know it’s not going anywhere please it’s so so good

god Dani vs Desert Hearts I love this callback and the entirely different circumstances of her watching it again

dsjfhdkjfh oh no Dani losing her mind at Jamie touching her knee god these two have got the biggest storm coming

dfkdjhkgdjh god them like.... trying to take things slow but still letting things happen while having to be aware of Mikey is so funny but I kinda love it and how indicative it all is of them being so grown up and able to approach their relationship in such a mature way. as much as I wish they’d had their teenage love story I do like that it’s unfolding this way now.

“it struck Dani then that she couldn’t remember ever laughing while doing this.” aww

Mikey’s “oh gross” hahahaha poor kid

god this is so funny

“ferret kid” jamie why are u like this sfkjhdfkjf

oh lordt it seems we have reached the unabashedly horny phase good show ol’ chaps

god they’re still so soft tho this is so fun to read

i looove how flustered they both make each other w just their presence. it’s just so !!!!!!

lmao Dani knowing exactly what to do to drive Jamie insane is fdkgfdkjgh perfect amazing show stopping more neck kisses more teasing more barely restrained desire i love it

“the reckless rush of being in each other’s arms” AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

lmaooooo Mikey Jamie is going to lock you outside if u keep doing this

the fact it can just fade back to comfortable companionship too is like. ugh i love them together

“Yeah. You can touch me whenever you want.” oh jesus

“No more interruptions, no more waiting, no more holding back.” it’s happening god it’s happening everyone stay calm (also the slow build to this point has been so fucking perfect y’all are writerly geniuses)

lmao Dani is like please can we just get naked why do u want to watch a movie I am literally right here

oh she is not waiting anymore THAT’S MY GIRL GO GET EVERYTHING YOU’VE EVER WANTED I LOVE YOU

“What do you want?” god the tension

aaaaahhhhh just. them being so out of their minds with want but still all nervous and wanting to check in but still just. wanting this so much god this is *chef’s kiss*

lmao Dani already having the hair pulling thing figured out is so good. poor Jamie lol is she even going to survive this

god the fact they’re both still fully clothed n still getting this fucked up just making out n grinding on each other I love this for them

mum just came in to tell me dinner is ready I AM ALREADY EATIN GOOD

lmao fuck I am just... so thrilled for Dani finally getting to experience this get ur whole world rocked baby u deserve this

thumb in her mouth i-

“my idiot” pls that’s so soft

“You have me.” i know this is like. horny but it’s also so romantic sfgkjhdfkjg

ayoooo Jamie’s tattoo excuse me while I lose my mind a lil bit

my god Dani is so impatient to get her naked I love her for it so much “I just want to feel you”... ma’am

Jamie being all nervous is so cute aw

god having this lil moment where they just call each other beautiful n get all cute about it while they’re fully naked n grinding on each other.... perfection

god I can’t stop thinking about every other mention of Dani having sex w Eddie and it just being like adequate or like her not letting him touch her and now LOOK AT MY BABY GO SHE’S REALLY HAVIN THE TIME OF HER LIFE LITERALLY BEGGING TO BE TOUCHED LET’S GO LESBIANS LET’S GO

I feel like I’m like cheering Jamie on rn sfjkghdfkj u guys need anything? some snacks? a condom?? ur doing great!!

Dani crying and thanking her like this is an acceptance speech love that for her

Jamie kissing all over her face aww

I can’t believe this whole chapter is them just getting to fall in love for real

“I want to taste you” i am blushing goddamn Jamie get it

oh my god the dream. she’s literally living out her dreams

“that same focused intensity that could make kingdoms fall” I love that Jamie is just as into getting Dani off as Dani is getting off lmao GOOD FOR THEM

Dani: desperately tryin to get Jamie off. Jamie: are u sure u want to tho??? miss ma’am let the girl touch u already she deserves it (but i do love that she’s always just like.... never wanting to make Dani do anything she doesn’t wholeheartedly want to)

“You sitting here on top of me like this is doing more for me than you can imagine.”  iconic jamie moment

Jamie literally just like.... ‘you can do whatever you want to figure this out’ is so sweet I love her capacity for just. giving herself over to Dani in every way (not just the horny ones) to let her forge her own path

“It was easy to understand now, the exhilaration of it, why people went crazy for it.” god I love this for her so much everything just falling into place

they’re so soft n comfy together and it’s all just so right and lovely

i love that once they’ve started they basically can’t stop honestly get it girls u deserve all the orgasms

“When did you know?” “Sixteen years.” oof my heart she’s known the whole time aaahhhh. all these lil memories god it really was all out of love I could cry. and Jamie admitting the scarf/scar thing whew she really carried around that moment on her face for the whole world to see (also lol at Dani being so fixated on it this whole time that’s so perfect)

heh they’re so cute with their lil teasing banter exchange

lol goddamn this so so spicy I am just dfklghfjkdjghkjdf (that is to say well fucking done I can’t even speak rn)

Jamie just being like you could literally just look at me and I am turned on I... love this whole situation for her so much

god they’re really just going all in Dani is getting like the.... lesbian sex speed run amen

oh god not Karen on the phone just hang up Dani do it do it

god she is so evil

omg she told her abt Jamie go off Dani I am v v proud of u right now

and she hung up on her godbless babe i LOVE your audacity

heh Jamie so transfixed by Dani’s lil purple sweater and skirt I love her

Dani u are such a tease sfkgjdfkg good 4 u tbh

awwww she got Dani’s desk for her oh my god that’s so lovely

Dani n Jamie being entirely not subtle over dinner w their lingering glances and Carson just laughing at them fkjghdkfjgh i love it. he’s so happy for them even w his teasing aw

aaahhh i just love Jamie giving her this space and this room in the house and Dani feeling so right in it

oooh an almost “I love you” god they’re just fuckin u-haulin in love perfection huh

and now we’re back to horny hours love this for them. gotta bless that desk somehow huh!?

i love the mentions of all this soft stuff about belonging when they’re about to rail each other it really rounds it out emotionally

“Get on your knees.” OH MY GOD THE JAMIE ON HER KNEES REDEMPTION MOMENT IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING

HELL YEAH IT IS this is truly what we all deserve

oh my god literally ripping her clothes off her fuck i love how desperate they are for each other and just how into this they both are always

dfgkjdfh jesus Dani are u ever going to be able to get work done at this desk again after Jamie does.... all of this to u on it

“Good girl.” the single most powerful sentence in the lesbian language

jesus christ this is still so incredibly steamy sdflkhskhg it never ends. and them like.... experiementing a bit w some different um. approaches? lol good 4 them good 4 them (and us)

my god them instantly getting all soft after about making each other happy please they’re so dang cute

ok love that we are also getting Dani on her knees it’s equality.gif

this little “I like you” “I like you too” confession right now is... so fucking soft and like... after everything they’ve gone through they still have the power to kinda knock each other off their feet w lil things like this huh?? sappy lil shits

oh no Judy I am scared

holy shit Dani “Didn't think you'd love me anymore” owwww my heart

god Judy is such a good mama I love her so much. reassuring her she’s still a part of the family my god I am so emo. she loves her so much

aw I love this lil shared bathroom scene after so many awkward moments w Dani and Eddie in their bathroom and so many mentions of her fogged reflection. things are finally clear and it’s wonderful!!

lol Jamie well if u didn’t want Dani to get all horny u shouldn’t have worn suspenders!!!!! it’s simple math!

god Dani has changed so much this chapter which only takes place over a couple of weeks right?!?!? after so much anxiety and being so unsure of herself this is so fucking beautiful to see

stop the car thing oh my godddd. she doesn’t even care about having her own cause she’s so happy w the person she’s sharing with I’m so overwhelmingly happy

“You’re perfect.” please I will cry this chapter was so perfect (also so are the memes I cackled so much)

[cookiesandkatanas]

I've always had Big Thoughts about Smith and how being/presenting male was a huge detriment to the whole "picking up vulnerable people and drowning them" thing. People are gonna be suspicious of a 6 foot guy trying to get you in his car.

So here are some of my headcanons that answer this issue

a kelpie's true form is a horse adjacent creature. you know, the creepy waterlogged #fae horses.

young kelpies first learn glamours for the anatomically similar horse, but the ability to shape reality in relation to themselves is powerful, as it is in most water fae. Theyll soon be able to shift their entire physical form, not just the perception of it. Of course, the next most natural form is a horse. And to interact with humans beyond hunting, well, you gotta look like a human.

Any glamour or form a kelpie takes is basically a costume, the individual is *choosing* how to look

SHAPESHIFTERS ARE ALWAYS NONBINARY

(personal aside, I've been off T for a while and god I feel like a completely different PERSON so) different bodies literally affect Smith's personality, to an extent.

femme!Alex loves the mind games. She prefers to toy with people, both for her own amusement, and if they're prey, well, their emotional high of fear is one more tasty thing she gets to munch on when she finally drowns them. Her favorite food is emotional energy.

femme!Alex pros: seeks out people already leading chaotic lives, and her clean drownings mean she can usually make a pretty penny selling a body nobody will even be looking for for a few days.

Trott is convinced since shes always feeding off all that riled up emotional energy, shes more riled up and emotional. He swears shes more impulsive, more sexual.

masc!Smith lives for the pleasures of the flesh. food and fucking, and for him, they're one and the same. he wouldnt be able to tell you which he liked more, feeding on the sexual energy before the drowning, or the flesh and blood he ate afterwards

masc!Smith pros: usually content with smashing stuff/someone up, no patience or interest in making up and playing out drawn out political games for fun. Intimidating presence. More in tune with the water (the local water fae hate when they're Alex, she always says she'll visit but she NEVER does >:c

Trott doesnt like how Smith always runs hot, temper or sex drive or energy.

History:

True name: Alsmiffy. Got to the city in early 1900s, before cars are common. They had to get a job to pay for a place to live, and only men could do that, so human male form it was. Kelpies dont really have a concept of gender, so Alsmiffy doesnt mind their pronouns matching their current form. In the evenings it was still easy to hunt down by the river as a horse.

By the 40s horses had nearly disappeared from the city, and no one was approaching wild ones anymore. Smith started working as a taxi chauffeur, driving people about, drowning a few every so often.

In the 60s they started moving towards the hunting style of present day, using the lure of sex to draw in prey. This is when they started presenting as female more regularly.

Of course, Trott gets fed up with all the shit Alsmiffy pulls. But always wrongly blames it on their form. If Alex is impulsive and sexual, and Smith is hot headed and hot blooded, maybe the issue isnt the body, it's the person, lmao.

As Alsmiffy becomes more comfortable male and female presenting, they spend longer amounts of time in one body or the other. Trott finds some reason or other to ask them to change ("hey can you seduce ___?" or "hey can you be extra muscle at ___?") and they're usually too indifferent to shift back.

As this goes on, Alsmiffy is cultivating two different social circles worth of court favor, but only one at a time, and usually only one for weeks at a time. The sharper and more well connected people put together that the siblings manage some other affairs out of the city, and whatever it is cant be left alone for very long, because one or the other is always out there. Rumors fly wildly about what it may be.

The Troffy Feels

In present day, Alsmiffy has started to realize Trott resents both of their regular human bodies. Instead of addressing the issue of Alsmiffy leaving chaos behind them, Trott postpones the issue again and again by derailing Alsmiffy's focus whenever their collateral damage gets too much. Trott's resentment only grows because the issue keeps coming up, and Alsmiffy just gets increasingly aggressive requests to "go get your 'brother/sister'"

Of course, because its Alsmiffy, this is the gravest of insults and must be responded to as a challenge. (You dont like me now? Oh you'll see how bad I can be.) As time wears on, they start to take it more and more personally, and it becomes the spectre hanging over their relationship.

Ross, who joined them in 60s-80s (not sure exactly when yet) never saw their relationship any other way, and has no other reference for relationships, tries his best to talk them down individually. It doesnt always work, and he usually clears out when they're all together, to give them some time and space to talk things out. (Trott and Alsmiffy both resent the other for always escalating arguments to the point where Ross wont even be in the same room as them)

Despite it all, Trott and Alex have never touched each others' keys/skin. All three of them tell themselves that means they're okay, they wouldnt cross that line so they still respect each other, still love each other. On the worst days that feels like the only assurance they have.

__________________________________________________________________________________

All these headcanons are being refined thanks to my ongoing Urban Shadows game, a ttrpg made by Magpie Games, run on Powered by the Apocalypse.

It is such a great game, even if you're not adapting it to run umy, lmao. The team is working on 2nd edition out later this year, but a quick start version is out now and I'm p sure it's free on drivethruRPG

[jackedspicer]

my worst mistake ever was giving shnitzel a crush on rhubarb because once i started shipping them i was toast

under the readmore are silly tidbits and scenarios taken straight from some of my instagram stories. it’s a bit of fun

“canon” stuff

September 27:

“lordy there are some bits and pieces about rhu and shnitzel i havent talked about yet...

for one thing. i draw them together a disproportionate amount bc in my brain they dont have THAT much screentime. itd be a sorta thing where rhubarb is in whichever episode for reasons and if shnitzel happens to be in the same room then we see the gag where he gets all stiff and DUMB [id previously talked about how he had a crush on her so bad that he locks up and gets real stupid. think of mr gar from ok ko. it’s like That.]

except there’s one episode where it’s brought to the table called Shnitzel’s Crush or some corny shit and it’s 11 minutes of the other characters mercilessly embarrassing him

also he literally never says a word about it to her. the whole time. hes silent. he just likes to give her a hand and help her with errands here and there. like carrying the heavy stuff for her stand n whatnot. she thinks hes this big sweet fella so she gives him presents sometimes

and we know hes supposed to be this big stoic guy but we already know hes a SOFTIE so you can obviously see him being secretly sweet on this nice mom lady”

November 16

“i keep thinking about a Funny Moment where mung calls rhubarb over to the catering company because shes ‘just GOT to see something’

the camera is on shnitzel who is just mopping when the door swings open and the bell rings

rhubarb walks past and says hi to him real quick and a couple beats after shes gone he just

shatters like glass

and then it just cuts to whats happening”

-

“i feel like i need to go into detail about the glass shattering

he maintains a straight face the whole time.. completely unremarkable

and after a few moments, in a fraction of a second his whole personhood CRACKS across with a glass shattering sound effect.. pieces dont fall or anything, it would be as if a window cracked all over because of something loud

his face doesnt even change hes just there all fucked up until the next shot”

-

“more than anything i am about gags where he cant function around her... over time they just get more nonsensical and painful.. i already said the shattering one but i also have one where a boulder just drops from under his apron and cracks the ground like he shat himself

the comedy of his suffering is integral to the experience”

October 5

“shnitzel will do all kinds of stupid shit just because rhubarb asked him to. there is literally no limit he just bites his tongue and does it all cause he’s not disappointing her. it’s all harmless stuff but if anybody else asked he’d be like... No

like as for the beach episode thing i posted, she asks him to bring water buckets for their sand castles, and even though part of him just kind of wants to just do the sand castle, he buckles down and brings those damn buckets! and he cant work up the NERVE to sit next to her and build a sand castle anyway so he accepts it. also chowder is there and there are too many things that could go wrong. this is his life”

November 16

“i want you to know tht rhubarb drives shnitzel to work so he doesn’t have to take the bus [this becoming routine would actually be later on but the following bit is what’s in the visible window of canon]

so the first time she gives him a ride is when he agrees to help her carry some heavy stuff for her business

and he goes up to this kind of oldish snail car and shes like ‘ahh sorry about all the bluenanas.. theyre for a bluenana bread i havent baked yet you can just put those in the back seat’ because the car is literally full of bluenanas

-

and it’s this really awkward drive because there are bluenanas EVERYWHERE and the stack of things hes holding is blocking his vision and hes almost dead silent all while shes making momversation

-

i forgot to mention that was AFTER theyd stopped at her house to get the things

she baked him cinnamini rolls as a thank you but she didnt know he was allergic so he sneezes so hard her roof caves in so they have to call his cousin beef stroganoff [a chowder oc i made ironically] and his son banzo [short for garbanzo] over to fix it [this was a reference to a post on here about a landlord’s son bonzo coming over to fix op’s roof with a blowtorch].. he ends up taking the cinnamini rolls as payment

-

well okay it’s not the first sneeze that caves the roof in, first he sneezes and shes like ‘oh no! im so sorry let me get you a tissue!!!’ n when she comes back theres MORE snot so she leaves again and comes back with a BATH TOWEL and THEN he caves the roof in”

November 5

[i was talking about how rhubarb���s dream was to have her own bakery before i led up to this bit]

“and in the scenario that takes place 20 years in the future, theyre married as id said before, except mung daal is telling chowder ‘because you never grew up, shnitzel got fed up and left the catering company!’

and then we see him happily married and co-running a bakery with rhubarb. as if that’s a bad thing

‘you fucked up, chowder. you ruined a perfectly good shnitzel is what you did. look at him. he’s got dignity.”

November 9

[this next bit can be attached to the previous thing i said. it’s an ongoing Thing but it’s only seen when theyre like obviously married onscreen]

whenever rhubarb calls shnitzel by a little cutesy nickname he gets all bashful.. he cant take it bro

this burly 7 foot man gets called ‘pumpkin pie’ and absolutely melts”

---

*this was all the stuff i had so far on various stories that take place “onscreen” since i figured i’d get caught up and start posting all the junk i had lying around. i have other tidbits too that take place between the sorta goofy window of canon and the 20-year timeskip, which i might get into on another post. thanks for reading xoxo i love u

[praesidiumsystem-blog]

tw c*csa

im standing in the middle of a gravel road, it’s a dead end. my extended family lives here in the woods, half an hour drive from civilization. my cousins are playing in the with road some of the neighbour girls that live down the street, i’m 6 years old. i’m wearing a striped shirt i really like, with frills at the bottom. 

she runs up to me and shoves my arm and runs away shrieking and laughing “you have cooties!” this is a game of tag, which i am no good at. in hindsight i wonder if the “cooties” tag game was a reference to avoiding people who have STDs. i wonder what “cooties” are, but based on the context i figure it must not be good, because everyone’s running away from me before i’ve even started chasing back. her name is n*cole ev*rett. she’s 8. i’ll see her every summer vacation until i turn 12 or so. she’ll be my best friend away from my best friend, both of which will abuse me. she will be the lesser of two evils.

she stays the night with me at my aunts house, i stay the night with her at her parents house. she has one older sister and one younger sister, the latter of which is adopted and is very socially awkward. my cousins sleep in a pair of bunk beds. josh on the top, me on the bottom, porsche on the top of the other bunk, and mack on the bottom. they will all bully me and make me hate myself before i turn 10. we start playing things like truth or dare. no one ever suggests a dare because everyone knows this game is for revealing who you have a crush on. no one wants to tell. the noise of the box fan in the doorway lulls me to sleep night after night, it’s too hot to breathe. my stomach churns with anxiety. i don’t like anyone. i am afraid. i am afraid of everyone.

we stay up too late giggling and get in trouble a hundred times. they separate us a hundred times, and we sulk a hundred times. she’s funny and she makes me so happy. she kisses me with cherry chapstick on, the pressure of someone else’s lips strange on mine at 6 years old. no one knows, and she knows i wont tell, because she knows im afraid of everyone. she doesnt want me to be afraid of her.

summers pass. her parents are never home at night because they’re both overnight p*lice officers, and they sleep all day, krista and autumn are always out with their friends. she rubs her hands up under my shirt and brushes over my chest. my heart is in my throat.and i feel sick with anxiety and i don’t know what to call anxiety yet so my head swims and im terrified. i feel uncomfortable because i dont think you’re supposed to touch other people there. she rubs my stomach and moves her hand between my legs and feels around. she kisses me again with cherry chapstick, pushing her warm wet tongue between my lips.i would be frozen with fear if i werent shaking so much. she tells me not to be afraid, its just practice. practice for what, i cant imagine at 10 years old, but she wants to help me. she’s funny and makes me so happy. i try to stay inside my body but i know this isnt right. i say nothing. she knows i wont tell, because she knows im afraid of everyone. she doesnt want me to be afraid of her.

another school year passes, another summer comes. she tells me to touch her, too. it’s just practice. she moves my hand over her chest until i learn to do it on my own. she pushes my hand between her legs until i learn to do it on my own. she tells me im improving. despite the terror churning in my belly that someone will come in, or her parents will wake up, and they’ll call me disgusting and tell me its my fault and tell my mother im doing bad things, i feel like i want to keep improving at whatever it is im supposed to be getting better at. night, after night, after night, summer after summer after summer, i want to get better. i want to be told that the fear is worth it.

she moves away. i don’t get to say goodbye. year after year passes, a hollow forming slowly in my stomach like a black hole, eating away at the edges of my mind. did it really happen? was i making a big deal out of nothing? is that something everyone does? is everyone else not afraid when they do it? i cant ask. i cant risk my mother finding out i did something bad, she’ll hit me. i dont want to be hit.  in fact, i dont want to be touched at all, ever again. long pants it is. long jackets in summer it is. i try to stay inside my body. im empty.

year after year, again and again, more doubt seeps in, slowly dripping into my memories, obscuring them. maybe it wasnt that bad and im overreacting. maybe itll pay off somehow, even though no one  else has initiated that kind of thing with me all this time. pants turn into the same pair of jeans i wear every day for 3 years. my grey sweater becomes my safe space, so much so that my friends always draw me wearing it. some part of me feels like i’m naked all the time, no matter how much i’m wearing. people can see the shape of my body and its so, so ugly, couldnt be uglier. i cant hide nearly as much as i want to. i cant stop being in the body i have as much as i want to. it was so long ago, it shouldnt matter to me anymore, i try to stop worrying about it. relief by forgetting almost comes. 

she moves back. i’m in high school, still wearing jeans, even to bed, but sporting tshirts these days. my grandmother says i should go say hello. the same sickness churns in my stomach, i dont think i can see her again, but there’s so many questions i want answered. i knock, the floor of the trailer is still warped. the wallpaper is the same. her parents are still cops and are still gone 12 hours of the day. i sit on her floor and she flops onto her bed, turning on the t.v. she starts telling me about all the relationships she’s had and the boys she’s fucked. everything in her room seems to have cherries on it. she still smells like cherry chapstick. my mouth is bone dry and i cant look at her. 

we’re sitting on my cousins trampoline, the same night, a cherry lollipop in her mouth. i ask her, if she remembers, What We Did, before. this is the only question i manage to ask. a long beat of silence, my heart slowly suffocating me sitting still in my throat, hammering hard. “yeah,” she says, “i’m sorry” i anticipate all of the anxiety and fear and self loathing to disappear into the aether because she’s sorry, i cant believe it, ive wanted this for so long,but my heart sinks back into my chest, and down into my stomach, and out my feet, into the earth, into the core of the earth, melting into the core. “thank you,” i say. i don’t feel better. i don’t feel better at all. i never see her again. 

a year or two later, i’m in my moms car that i’m driving, and i hear a song start on the radio. it sounds like a boy singing, but for some reason the theme is about kissing a girl and it being a really weird thing to do, and i figure a woman must be singing. the chorus starts, “the taste of her cherry chapstick” sinks into my ears and melts inside my skull, im swimming, swimming. “you’re my experimental game”, my body is copying itself, there’s me in the driver seat, me in the middle ,me in the passenger seat, me outside the car, repeating, repeating. everywhere i go afterward this pop sensation seems to be playing. i figure there must be a thousand of me by now, creeping outside my body, getting further and further from the epicenter of my pain.

“i kissed a girl”, or rather, a girl kissed me, and i didnt like it. why didnt i like it? maybe im broken after all.

[the-stressmushroom]

My Adventure Time Feelings:

I cant believe that adventure times over. I’ve watched the show from the first episode. I was 10. Now I’m 18. 

I’m not sad its over. I’m more reminiscent about what the show meant to me. It was a constant in my life for a really long time, and I want to share some of the important memories the show is tied to for me. 

Read these if you want, or don’t. Comment on them if you want, or don’t. This is more for me. I need to get my thoughts and memories out somewhere. I just need to share. 

Basically, I can tie the show back to just some really important memories. Memories I forgot existed until this moment. Some of these are triggering so be warned.

The summer before ninth grade, I was sitting in our beach house rental in Coronado, California with my best friend Quentin watching the new episode of Adventure Time. We were so happy and light. His mom died three weeks later and the Tuesday after her funeral we got together to watch the new episode of adventure time in silence. His mom was like my second mom. I was at their house constantly. At least three times a week. After his mom died, he stopped talking to me. He said I reminded him too much of her.

Thanksgiving my freshman year, I binge watched half a season for fun, while telling myself not to eat because I had already lost thirty pounds and I wasn’t going to let the holiday ruin my unhealthy behavior. I was posting pictures of myself online for validation. My self-esteem was so low it didn’t exist. I had gone from 150 pounds to 120 in three weeks. I told myself I didn’t have an eating disorder, I just wasn’t hungry. It took until I reached 98 pounds to figure out I had a problem.

The second week of seventh grade, when I was at my best friend Grace’s house and we were studying vocabulary for our first ever english quiz while packing and moving boxes. She was moving out of of her childhood home. A house I practically grew up in. A house that held so many memories from permanently denting the wall and breaking two of my fingers due to indoor skateboarding, or holding her in my arms as she sobbed after her dog was hit by a car.

Meeting the second boy I ever fell in love with. My nails were painted as adventure time characters, and he, a sophomore, came up to me, a freshman, and got so excited by how cool my nails were. He was my first kiss. 

Coming home every Tuesday from middle school, ready to burst into tears. I was bullied relentlessly and hated school. But I would find solace in the new episode of Adventure Time waiting for me. For a few months, it was on my List of Things to Look Forward To. A list my therapist told me to refer to whenever I felt suicidal.

Standing with my friend in Gym during eighth grade singing Adventure Time songs and talking about the newest episode to pass the time. She was a pretty cool person, and one of the few people who didn’t bully me. It’s a shame that I didn’t hang out with her more. I haven’t seen or heard from her in 5 years.

More recently, watching Adventure Time: Islands while prepping for my SATs and ACTs. For some reason, the episodes really calmed me before my exam and I went in feeling confident. I scored a 33 on my ACT because my nerves were practically non-existant.

Flame Princess was my first ever attempt at fan art and is what made me love fan art so much in the first place. I always loved the adventure time art style and I realized that it was so much fun to draw, not just look at. Without that realization, I would have never discovered my love of art.

When I got my tumblr, the first account I followed was an adventure time account and the first ever post I reblogged was of Marceline. I still can’t believe I that when I first got tumblr, the only three fandoms I was a part of were Percy Jackson, Doctor Who, and Adventure Time. Without Adventure Time inspiring me to get a Tumblr, I would have never discovered Sherlock, Merlin, Voltron, Gravity Falls or (my favorite show of all time) Supernatural.

Feeling like such a badass when I discovered Bravest Warriors. Like it was my little secret that no one else knew about. I felt so adult because it had bad words in it. I remember coming home from exploring an open house with my parents one Sunday in Eighth grade, sitting down at my windows tablet, and watching bravest warriors and the SPN episode “Its The Great Pumpkin Sam Winchester” when I was supposed to be doing homework. 

I remember showing up for PJ day in 6th grade wearing my finn and jake slippers and feeling so fucking cool. Everyone made fun of me, but for once, i didn’t care. I loved what I was wearing and no one could make me feel bad about it. I remember wearing those same slippers as a part of my Chuck cosplay at SPN con, and Rob Benedict being so excited by them, he lept off the stage, ran to me, and gave me a giant hug.

I remember the first time I watched the show. Sitting on the ground in my family room, waiting so excitedly for the new show Cartoon Network had been advertising. It looked really weird and it made me really curious. The first time I heard the theme song, I remember the smile that spread across my face. 

I watched Adventure Time rain or sun, happy or sad. It was always their for me, and it always will be. The first time I watched the show, I was ten years old, a ruthlessly bullied fifth grader who needed an escape from the real world. Now I sit here in my college dorm after my first day of classes, fighting off tears. This show was an anchor to my childhood. And now it is gone. And I am an adult. 

And I don’t know what to do.

And that’s ok.

[enchantedchocolatebars]

Gorillaz Teacher! AU Headcanons

Headcanons for an au where the Gorillaz members are high school teachers instead of a virtual band. lol I've been thinking about this idea for awhile now and I thought it be alot of fun to do, so enjoy! Hopefully it's not too bad. Special thanks to my friend @you-cant-tell-me-what-to-draw for helping me with this. I apologize for any grammar or spelling mistakes.

Murdoc:

• Wait, how'd he even get this job and why hasn't he been fired yet???

• Teaching is honestly just a shitty day job for him, once he earns enough, he's quitting to become a famous rockstar with his own band! Ah, he could see it now - fame, glory, girls, it sounds like a dream come true! But, until he had the money to make that dream a reality, he was stuck as the school's social studies teacher.

• When he quits his job as an "educator" it's gonna be very similar to the fuck you scene from the movie "Half Baked".

• The kids in all his classes really don't like him.

• He shows up to class 30 minutes late most of the time. Sometimes he'll show up completely sober, while other times he'll show up drunk.

• The pickle's got WAY too many political views that he refuses to keep to himself.

• If Murdoc falls asleep at his desk, one of the kids might try to either draw a dick on his forehead and take a picture of it, or they might try to put a 'kick me' sign on his back. But they have to be EXTRA careful or they might wake the grouchy goblin up!

• If he does wake up, he'll be extremely mad and end up giving the whole class a pop quiz first thing tommorrow morning.

• GRADING PAPERS IS SUCH A PAIN IN THE ARSE...So he simply doesn't do it.

• The only time Murdoc will actually teach his class something about social studies is if the principal, or some other important adult of the school, walks into the room to see what's up. Once they leave, he goes straight back to sleep.

• He thinks that Stuart Pot, the school's new music teacher, is an idiot. He decides to give him the nickname '2D' because he feels that the man is "too dense" to be a music teacher. Murdoc has walked by Stuart's classroom a couple of times before and has overheard him and his students singing while Stu plays the piano. He would usually put his ear against the door to hear more. He had to admit - the guy had some really nice vocals. Plus, he's tall, pretty, has blue hair and both of his eyeballs! Murdoc jots down in his head that he has to remember to force that Stu-Pot guy to be the front man of his future band once he gets the money he wants and decides to quit.

• Murdoc only tries to "befriend" 2D because he's a music teacher, and also because he wants him to be his future front man.

• When he learns that the teacher of the class with the highest test scores will receive a large bonus pay, he decides to change his style of "teaching", forcing the students in his class to study intensely for the upcoming test. However, that doesn't do much as the kids end up getting low scores on their tests.

• He's been embezzling money from the 9th grade bake sale.

2D/Stuart Pot:

• He's the new music teacher!

• He quickly becomes well-liked by students and co-workers. 

• Stuart's a nice teacher who carries himself off as a goofy professional who knows what he's doing.

• Believes that his students will become great musicians one day.

• He sometimes likes to teach with music playing in the background.

• He may accidentally give students test answers when they asked for clarification on a question.

• Will write original songs for his class to perform.

•Has an afterschool club where he teaches students how to play piano, keyboards, and melodica.

• https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WHLITe7KM_Y (His class in a nutshell)

• Stuart is a bit terrified of Murdoc because one time, when the two were on lunch duty together, Murdoc was explaining to him a dream that he had last night where he launched his car through a music shop that Stu-Pot was apparently working at and had knocked one of his eyes out! " Oh, uh, o-okay... W-Well, it's a good thing you aren't actually going to run me over with a real car, right?....RIGHT?!"

Noodle:

• She has a full real name, but prefers for people to refer to her as "Noodle" which was a nickname she got back in her childhood.

• The kids usually refer to her as "Ms. Noodle".

• She's the teaching assistant/ teacher's aide for Stuart's class!

• She's super kind because she pretty much helps everyone in the class who needs it, even the bratty kids.

• She's in charge of guitar club afterschool!

• She really likes guitar club since it provides a safe and fun environment for students to come together and enjoy music.

• She's a queen at playing acoustic guitar and ukulele!

•  You'll most likely find her in the teacher's lounge playing on her pink nintendo ds while drinking tea and munching on the vending machine candy and snacks that they had in there.

• The teacher's lounge was her favorite room to be in for obvious reasons.

Russel:

• He's the no nonsense math teacher who will joke around with his students from time to time, but then get very serious with them when it comes to their grades.

• Mr. Hobbs knows how to make math fun with a capital F!

• They didn't do so well on a test? Not a problem! Russel will happily allow a student to retake it, so as long as they go home and study.

• He'll greet each student by their name as they walk into his class.

• Russel generally cares about his students and wants the best for all of them. 

• He's real with his students.

• Will bring in a treat for the class if they did really well on a quiz or test!

• Allows his students to be on their phones once they've completed all their work.

• When his students throw him a surprise party in classroom on his birthday, he breaks down in happy tears.

• Murdoc's class is across the hall from his.

• Russel doesn't know why but...he gets the feeling that Mr. Niccals is teaching for all the wrong reasons.

• He really doesn't think Murdoc should be teaching teenagers, or really anyone. I mean, Russel couldn't think of anyone less suited to being a teacher.

• Whenever he's in the teacher's lounge, he likes socializing with other teachers like 2D or Noodle but never with Murdoc. He's someone Russel tries to avoid.

[kiera-jpg]

so i saw you reblog sth and i just wondered are you a maladaptive daydreamer? if yes about how many aus do you have? btw loooove your blog lots❤️❤️

(THIS IS SO FCKIN LONG IM SORRY JUST SKIP IT IF UR MEANT TO BE DOING SOMETHING IMPORTANT)sorry i left this so long, but i had to think it over. i talked to some people about it and did a lil research and originally my answer was going to be not really - but right now its looking like i might be.for example, i was in a relatively long car ride this morning (we go this way a lot (too often) so im used to it. i popped in my earphones and fell headfirst into a a full fledged plotline with character development. i thought it happened to everyone. apparently not.i thought it was normal to be so absorbed in a daydream that sometimes ur head moves at the same time as the character in ur head. i was also thinking back and realised that as a kid i was so scared id accidentally make a noise or hum the song that related to it, i taught my tongue to lie against the roof of my mouth.and im pretty sure that all falls under maladaptive daydreaming? i could be wrong but thats what we were bonding overas for the au - its currently about two boys who grew up in this small town in the middle of nowhere. theyre were part of a tough looking friend group that did all the rebellious teenage shit u see in the movies. these bois were hella in love and spent half the time roughhousing each other and the other half cuddling and being cute. boy a has this dream of being a musician/singer and shows boy b all the songs. hes more level headed and is trying to study real hard so he can get out of the small town. while boy b is like 'im not booksmart im stuck here forever' and but doodles all these nice sketches in his spare time.so boy a gets this chance to leave and become the guitarist for some up-in-coming pop band and its not really his sound but he gets to leave! but heres the problem, boy b doesnt get to leave. hes v happy for boy a but is scared that boy a w be an idiot and say no when he realises hes leaving boy behind.boy a almost decides to call it off, but boy b is like doNT U DARE. so they have one last week together before boy a has to go and on the last day boy b says 'tomorrow we're friends but tonight we get to stay lovers'. boy a's band gets super duper famous and boy a is marketed as a straight™. he keeps writing songs about boy b but never brings them to the band.years later he decides 'fuck it' and decides he wants to make a whole album dropping the truth on all the fangirls. he records all the songs with the right pronouns, with the right sounds and texts boy b for the first time in years saying he wants him to be in the final music video (my boi is v dramatic so all the songs have videos).boy b is like lmao the studio will not let that happen ur ganna lose ur job but whatever sure.boy a refuses to give anyone any info on the album, showing it to three close friends who very vaguely reference one song being more important than the others.boy b is like i cant believe ur fucking doing this ur an idiot but i miss u. so they film the first time the two see each other and the hug for the music video. they do all these scenes showing the dynamic of the relationship and that shit. theres like half an hour of outtakes of boy b being a little shit thats too funny to trash so when it all ends and everyone is freaking out because "WHO THE FUCK IS HE KISSING U CANT JUST END IT THERE" they post the thirty minutes of banter. when all is over boy a is like 'u single still?' and bou b is like 'yeah u?' and they decide 'fuck the system' and become a power couple and boy b finally gets some recognition on his drawings.lmao sorry its so long but if u bothered reading it good on u. probably wasnt worth it but thanks anyway.

[asdklgkgluck]

okay hi first rant post on this blog but i have a lot of feelings and emotions and stuff to just type out all over the place.

so first off, i really want to be drunk or high right now. i know how fucked that is and i know how stupid it is to want to be drunk or high to take away my feelings, but fuck i really can’t handle my life being like this sober. i’m so hurt and unmotivated and hateful and so many other negative things and the only thing that takes it away when i’m alone like this is being high or drunk. i looked for alcohol earlier but there isn’t any in sight anywhere which fucking sucks. i’m sure my mom has some in her room, but her and nicholas are asleep in there and i don’t feel like risking waking them up just to search for booze.

speaking of my mom, i really wish things between us could be different. i’ve always felt so slighted and robbed that i didn’t have a great childhood and even now with the whole “my mom is my best friend” culture, i just can’t relate even a little bit, and honestly it really upsets me that i can’t relate whatsoever and get told by so many people that i’m ungrateful. i don’t even know what to think about her. sometimes i can say that i think she’s doing her best, but i know she’s not. she’s very selfish and demanding. “i cosigned on your student loans, you owe me this and this and that” or i don’t? since you’re making me pay you back anyway? she feels as though we should be so subservient to her just because she had sex, her birth control failed, and she ultimately chose not to abort me or my brother and keep us rather than give us up for adoption. that’s another thing: she’s told me i don’t even know how many times that she wishes she would’ve gone through with aborting me. do you know how that makes someone feel? do you have any fucking idea what it feels like to be told by your actual mother that she wishes she would’ve never had you? and even knowing that her and my dad were going to give me up for adoption until my dad said no because he didn’t want to have a daughter out there somewhere that he didn’t know. if not for him, my life would be entirely different. i don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing. i don’t like looking back at things and wondering how they could be different because i can’t fix them, so what’s the point in thinking about the “what ifs”?

anyway i got off topic, but my mom. is so mean. she’s so emotionally abusive and manipulative but she’s so fucking ace at it that sometimes i have to sit back and wonder if i’m really positive she is or if i’m just wrong and reading into it. she is. i blocked out most of my childhood, so i can’t recall the things she used to do to my brother and i, but i remember it fucking me up. my grandma on my dad’s side likes to tell the story of the time when my mom went away to mexico for two weeks and when my grandma told my brother and i that she was coming to pick us up, i cried and hid. we retell it like it’s a funny story because if you just see it from a normal perspective, it’s just a silly kid wanting to stay at grandma’s. in reality, i hated being around my mom and former stepdad and felt extreme emotional distress knowing i had to go back to them. i also used to plan with that grandma how she could kidnap me from my mom’s house. i guess you can see those things as harmless kid shenanigans, but it was multiple things and repeated and i was in actual distress. and i guess that’s a common theme in my life with the adults in my life growing up writing off my distress and mental illness as just being a kid because what 6 year old is actually suicidal, yknow?

but my fucking mother. in comparison to her mom, she seems totally fine, but get her on her own and she’s just as bad in her own way. i do remember she and my ex stepdad used to make me cry and then laugh at me for being upset. she would come up to me when i would wear t shirts or shorts and pinch my fat and point out all my cellulite and flaws. we could just be sitting at a red light and she’d look over and narrow her eyes and go “you have a double chin and you’re not even trying to have one. you need to start doing chin exercises”. she wouldn’t let me go out or hang out with my friends until i was in my freshman year of high school unless she was able to call my friends’ parents and confirm every single last detail, and even then, she wouldn’t let me go half the time because she got a “bad vibe” and accused me of lying. her and my ex stepdad accused me of lying all the time, and i do have a problem with lying, but they would accuse me of lying even when i was telling the truth. they would LITERALLY MAKE ME FUCKING LIE TO THEM AND ACCEPT THAT AS “THE TRUTH” so what the fuck did they think was going to happen??? i got my first real life boyfriend and my mom accused me of trying to have sex and sleep around and i was literally 12?? i hadn’t even had my first real kiss yet and apparently “i want to go out on a date with my middle school boyfriend” is code for “i want to fuck even though i literally just started masturbating last week and haven’t even figured that out yet”. (speaking of, i probably should try and get off at some point tonight since i haven’t in like a week and before that, nearly a month and maybe i’ll placebo feel better? probs not)

but like even recently, every. single. fucking. decision. that i make is criticized. “you should get a second job” yeah with what car? and on top of the full time hours i’m already working at my first job? “if you would’ve gotten that second job i told you about, you’d be making so much money” yeah because i’d be working like 80 hours a week you fucking doorknob. it’s acceptable that i don’t hang out often with my friends (lol not really actually, i get told all the time to get out of the house because my brother is extroverted and social and i’m definitely not) but if i don’t see the guy i’m talking to (i don’t actually know what’s going on with that but i’ll get into that later) every single day, our relationship is trash and he’s abusive and a dickhead and i should be dating other people and finding some trashy clingy fuckhead to date instead who will send me a bunch of emojis and constantly drain my energy. fuck that.

the clothes i wear are all trash apparently. i dress like a slut. just so many horrible things every single goddamn day. but how can i possibly leave? i’m financially dependent on her. if i gtfo, i won’t have a place to live in my home state, i won’t be able to afford college, and i won’t have a phone plan or car insurance that doesn’t cost me a small fortune. if i cut my mom and her mom out of my life entirely like some people suggest, i lose my college education at the school i’m currently going to and enjoy going to, i become homeless, and i lose the benefits of a family phone and car insurance plan, respectively. as badly as i want to and as much as i think i would benefit from it, i cant right now. not to mention, i’d feel like such shit about myself for doing it because i know i’d be guilted by her for “betraying her” or some shit and so many people would tell me how horrible i am for cutting out my own mother. if i already get upset seeing people have happy and healthy family ties, how would i feel if i know i don’t have a mom to even try to reconcile with? it’s harder to cut out family members than some people like to pretend it is.

okay moving on to my friends. i would say i do have some friends. i categorize my friends in very specific and compartmentalized ways because that’s just what helps me draw boundaries and not get too attached to people who aren’t in the appropriate categories. i have acquaintances. acquaintances are people that i know of who also know of me on more friendly than neutral terms. they’re people i would recognize and say hi to if i saw them, maybe. (for my own reference if i get confused, think like david or bree or tegan) i have close acquaintances. close acquaintances are just one step above regular acquaintances. i can have little conversations with them here and there and maybe hang out once or twice, but i wouldn’t entrust them with anything real or beneath the surface about myself in any way, shape, or form. (think cara and kodiak and them) then i have friends. friends are people i enjoy spending some time with, but they’re not people i could have a deep conversation with. like i can hang out with them and have conversations with them but i would never go deep about my personal life, maybe just a little bit. (think lillie or carly). then i’ve got close friends who, as you can guess, are one step above friends. i seek them out and want to hang out with them more than everyone previously listen, for the most part. they’re the people i talk to the most and the people i hang out with the most. i feel more comfortable being honest and open with how i’m really feeling and my struggles (think jayden, carly, jessi, adrianne, skitch, maybe). then i’ve got the best friend tier. that’s the person i’m the most comfortable with. i can tell them absolutely anything without any fear of judgement and i trust them immensely. i don’t feel the need to talk to them all the time or hang out all the time even though i think about them and have them on my mind more than anyone else. that’s literally josh lmao i used to have a best friend, but she was an abusive snake so i cut her out and it was hard and it’s still hard when i see people praising her as if she’s never done anything wrong, but whatever.

the issue with all my friends except for josh is that they don’t understand how i work. i try to talk to my close friends about my issues and they make me feel worse about myself or my struggles. i try to talk to jayden and carly (who are supposed to be my best friends) about my relationship struggles with josh, and i get a “dump his ass, fuck his best friend, and then fuck your way through tinder you hot bitch” as a reply. that’s fucking stupid and self destructive and i’d hate myself absolutely as a result. it’s such an immature response i don’t even think i responded to it lmao or like when i came to them and was like “hey i’m very fragile right now and need support” and carly LITERALLY STARTED A FIGHT WITH ME and told me how i wasn’t doing enough and i wasn’t putting any effort into anything etc etc. my salt vault pals are great people to hang out with and joke with, but none of them do emotions or understand mental illness in the slightest. the best response i’ll get is a “boop” from thomas or an “eat some spaghetti and forgetti” from kellie. maybe if i was just normally sad, but yall come on now i’m clinically and severely depressed. i appreciate the effort, at the least, but lately they’ve all just ignored me when i’ve tried to reach out, so i just shouldn’t do that anymore.

literally the ONLY PERSON IN MY ENTIRE LIFE who is able to make me genuinely feel better is josh. i don’t know how he does it or how he manages to usually find that perfect balance between calling out my bullshit and comforting me, but 9/10 he can get the job done. he says he just talks logically, but he does it in a way that doesn’t get under my skin or belittle me. and god i don’t want to put all my baggage and problems on him no matter how often he offers or tells me to talk to him about anything and everything and although i know i’d be comfortable talking to him about it, i don’t want to scare him away or push him away or like hurt him or affect him in any way because of it. 

but like okay. i know how cheesy and stupid this sounds but my life is always better when he’s in it. before i met him, i was just kind of like existing in misery and i had accepted that i wasn’t going to get better or find actual love and that my closest chance would be to idolize celebrities. and yeah, okay, i did love alex. i could imagine a future with him and i could see us getting married and i cared and stuff (until he started treating me like shit and i fell out of love and realized i had been denying my feelings for josh for a year but WHATEVER), but it’s something entirely different with josh. i met him and even though we were just friends and i thought he was really funny and cute and had a big dorky crush on him, i started feeling myself become happier bit by bit and feeling more confident in myself the more i was around him. i’m sure it wasn’t the only reason, but when he told me he liked me too, it was probably top 5 moments of my life, not even gonna lie. i know how crazy and obsessive it sounds, but that first kiss i had with him i don’t think i can forget. it was the best kiss i’ve ever had and it’s burned into my memory. but i also don’t think i was too obsessive because when he said he loved me in his sleep that one time, i panicked because i wasn’t sure if i felt the same and saying it back wasn’t something i was ready for. i think that makes it more legit. and while when we officially dated things were far from perfect and actually quite shit for both of us, i think what happened was necessary for both of us to grow. i’m still hurting residually from it and he’s still hurting residually from it and i can’t forgive myself for hurting him like that, we’re both different and more understanding people now. he used to not be able to calm me down the way he can now. he used to just kind of feed into my panic and depressive and manic feelings by coming in too hard with calling me out or telling me to suck it up, and i only just got worse in those situations and they escalated into fights. i was mean to him, he was mean to me, and it didn’t work out for us then and there. what hurt me the most was that he fucked me and then stopped talking to me immediately after. i felt like actual garbage. i felt used and mistreated and dirty, and once he had officially left isaac’s and i realized he wasn’t going to talk to me again (despite telling me we could try again when i turned 18), i lost all hope and drive. i didn’t even want to just kill myself, i wanted to torture myself first. i drank all the time, i would skip as much school and class as i possibly could, i gave into my impulsive thoughts and actions, i cut myself all the time, i lashed out and was genuinely cruel and cold to people, i did a bunch of self destructive stuff... and i stalked josh’s social media. then i saw he got a girlfriend and i absolutely lost my shit. i tried to kill myself at least once a week and the days i didn’t try to, i was researching the most effective way to. even after they broke up or whatever (since he said they weren’t actually a couple and just went on a couple dates, so idk whatever i don’t care all that much) i just felt so lost. i applied to college because i wanted to see if getting far away would help me (sidenote: it didn’t on its own) as well as i just had this little gut feeling tugging at me that maybe if i faked it for four years of college and then at a job, i would make it. i think i tried to kill myself over 30 times my senior year of high school + the summer after. then josh fucking liked one of my art instagram pictures and i felt just like waves of confusion and hurt and so many things and it fucked me up again because i thought he was fucking with me.

then he reached out to me once i got out of the mental hospital (like i said, being away from home doesn’t fix the fact that i didn’t give a shit about my life and was indulging entirely in my mental illnesses without even caring to try and better them) and i slowly introduced him back into my life. we started talking again and picked up where we left off when things were good, talking and both obviously changed and matured but still changed and matured in a compatible way. when he fucking told me that he loved me when we were together, i cried. when he told me that he still loved me, i can’t even say what i felt because it was so many positive feelings all at once. i legitimately turned completely around overnight just talking to him ONE TIME. i can’t even tell you why. he even made it clear at that point that he didn’t think we could be in a relationship at that time, but even with that, i still immediately felt better and more in control.

and since we started regularly talking again, overall, i’ve gotten slowly, so much better. i’ve become much more confident and in tune with myself and my emotions. i’ve felt so loved and cared about and respected and appreciated more than i’ve ever felt in my entire life. he made me feel actual nothingness in the most tranquil and serene way when he said “i just want to see you grow as a person and be happy”. it was one of the best feelings of my entire life. in fact, the only times i faltered in this overall was when i was left doubting our relationship/friendship. 

look i know i can’t depend entirely on one person to be my rock, but it’s the only thing that’s ever worked for me. i’ve been to therapy for years, i’ve done medication for years, i’ve tried exercise, dieting, yoga, meditation, and nothing even comes close to helping me the way his presence in my life helps me. i don’t know if i’m being too overwhelming for him and if i am, god i want him to tell me. i don’t ever want to hurt him or stress him out or anything like that. and like honestly, just look at where i was two summers ago compared to now. two summers ago, he didnt text me for a day and i lost my shit. i could only handle three days before i broke. now, i went a year without speaking to him at all and now i can go a week or two without talking to him as long as i see he’s okay and alive. he’s the closest thing to a best friend i have and fuck i really do love him so much. and honestly, everyone gives me so much shit for our “relationship”, but i don’t want anyone else. like duh i’m still attracted to other people and i will always be thirsty for dan howell, but realistically, i don’t want anyone else. the thought of trying to be in a relationship with someone else makes me uncomfortable. i’ve mentioned this before but i did have sex with someone else and although it wasn’t something i really 100% wanted, it opened my eyes because even though it was with someone i am attracted to and have really wanted to have sex with in the past, it was just okay. like all sex is alright, but it wasn’t very far above the bar. the whole time i just wanted to be with josh for a multitude of reasons, including that the sex we have is honestly so fucking bomb every single time. i’ve had the best sex i’ve ever had with him and he’s the only guy that i’ve ever been with who has made it a conscious effort to try and get me to cum despite me being extremely difficult in that way. and he did it once like fuck man you go.

okay anyway that got off topic and although i recognize i still have a lot of work to do, my end goal if i get the chance to continue to be in his life and maybe wonderfully finally be in an official relationship like i’ve wanted for nearly a year at this point (solidly and unwavering, anyway) is to grow so much and gain so much confidence that i have that baseline of love and support that i’ve lacked my whole life to finally have a chance at getting better and being able to hold myself up mostly or completely instead of needing someone else to be there for me not to collapse into oblivion or in on myself. 

but here’s where the overwhelming fear and pain i’ve felt lately is coming from. i’m so afraid he’s leaving me again. i absolutely can’t handle going through the worst point in my life all over again. i understand that he’s got a lot going on, and i’m more than willing to give him his space, and maybe i’m just overthinking or giving into my anxiety and paranoia and intense fear of abandonment... but when he’s posting on social media and liking things like he’s totally fine or especially replying to other people and not reaching out to talk to me, it makes me feel like i mean nothing to him anymore. i know i need to have trust but i’m still hurting from the last time he left me and the only thing that eases that pain is when i feel more secure and can actually talk to him. and i recognize that he’s very kind to me when we’ve spoken and it seemed almost like when i first reached out to him that he wanted to keep talking to me, but the last time it seemed more like he was just trying to be polite. once again, maybe i’m reading into it but i’m so so so afraid of losing him again. not even so much so afraid of losing my chance at happiness but losing this amazing human being and not being able to watch him grow and really love himself is something i absolutely don’t want. and maybe i’ve just been really stupid hoping for a relationship after he’s said time and time again that he doesn’t want one, but i really think that he’s just struggling with some stuff and he’s afraid of being in a relationship and getting hurt again, but i won’t push. i’m more than content loving him and supporting him as just a friend from him perspective or whatever. i just really don’t want to lose him.